ComicFIST #27 – “Hair Club For Ric”
Hehe, Ric has no hair.
'Cause you know, he's old, and that's funny.
- Mr. Long
Mr. Long’s “Waiting for an oil change” Review of RAW
I'm stuck at the Tire Kingdom in Oviedo and I have no levels of Angry Birds to play left, so here's some thoughts I have on RAW last night. Presented in BULLETPOINT-VISION!!!!
• Starting the show with the WWE Title match was really nice, but also kinda made it obvious that shit was gonna get real later on. Still, great PPV main event level match got my excited early on, even if it was a Rey Mysterio match.
• Evan Bourne vs. Dolphin Wigglier (thank you autocorrect) was very fine. Bourne is always great. This was extra fun for me because it was the only match my wife (who claims to dislike wrestling, but I catch her watching, YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME WOMAN) cared enough to watch. She has officially dub Bourne "Fishman" because he flops around like a fishy, and Ziggler is now "Bellyflop" due to his awesome corner crash. Dolph's now heavier version of "I Am Perfection" is pretty fun sounding, and helps me forget that he used to be a cheerleader and Chavo's caddy.
• KEITH FUCKING STONE! I just loved that segment. It was dumb and the Bellas are Michael Bay awful on the mic, but the fact that it was an outright BEER COMMERCIAL skit tells me that WWEPG might be going the way of the dodo. RAW needs that, well, "Attitude" again for it be a great flagship, and I smell it burbling up again. It was great to feel like I was watching an 18-34 year old show again. That said...
• That Divas match was TERRUHBULL. Eve's HoSault made me want to vomit, Kelly's buh-face made me curse the day I ever found her attractive, and the Diva Stink Face was just as unnecessary as ever. That shit ain't sexy or smart, and the only way it was powerful was powerful dumb. I'm all for the ladies being hot again, and I could sense some old King on commentary, but not like that. WWE should push AJ Lee, or sign Daffney is they want a hot chick to base the division around.
• Hunter O'Mac gets my thumbs up. I've almost always enjoyed face HHH, he's smartassy, doesn't take shit, and looks like he might still be down to throwdown if the need arises. Very glad to see JR back in the PBP seat. Cole is a great heel, but hearing it every second of every minute can be a little grating. I'm fine with him being Smackdown where I can scrub past parts I don't like on YouTube.
• Cole needs to never wrestle, and needs to wear clothes always. Zack Ryder FINALLY getting acknowledged on RAW makes me full of happy goo, and redeems the segment at least a little. Ryder should face Ziggler for the US Title at SummerSlam. #WWWYKI
• Every time Ricardo Rodriguez is on TV, I feel the need to tell someone, anyone, that he once wrestled as "Jesse Long" (no joke, wiki that shit). Del Rio vs. Kofi wasn't anything amazing, I just enjoyed it. Two great talents that I could putting on a great WWE Title feud a year or so down the road. Kofi is a great RVD for the 2010's, and ADR is the new Eddie for the MMA generation.
• I like Cee-Lo Green. Not enough to drop diaper money on The Great American Slam though.
• Miz should have his own talk show. He just talk good.
• Rey waddled out onto the stage like Ric after a trip to Cheeburger Cheeburger. He just looked sleepy. Clearly that 5 Hour Energy hadn't kicked in yet. Great match between him and Cena, because John Cena is a great WWE-style wrestler, fuck what anyone says. Cena is just one of those guys that can make anyone look good, especially when it's in a main event for all the clams. He's no Ric Flair, but I wager he could at least get a broom to 3 stars.
Oil change is done. More to come later.
EDIT:
Thanks to a Tire Kingdom Fluid Exchange Package, my mom is down $470 dollars and I've got time to finish my ramblings.
• Cena winning The Big Spin is predictable, but excusable because the ensuing feud just wouldn't be nearly as epic with The Booyaka in place of The Rappadoo.
• CM Punk. Just...fucking...wins. You could practically see the crowd eating out of his hands and the entire wrestling world on his shoulders as he walked to down that ramp to the beat of "Cult of Personality". Punk is wrestling right now. He's bigger than Cena, bigger than The Rock, bigger than Austin, Taker, Hogan, Flair, you name it, and he's leapfrogged over them all. He's on top of wrestling Everest right now, and he did all by himself. CM Punk needs no sherpa, just a mic. Hell, last night proved that he doesn't even need a mic. There are few moments in wrestling that are forever. There's Hogan slamming Andre, there's Rock and Hogan staring off before their match at Mania, there's the first time Austin gave Vince the Stunner, to me Eddie winning the title will always be a forever moment, and as of last night, you can add Punk and his WWE Title getting cheered over Cena and his belt to that list. I could watch it a million times, and it would still give me goosebumps. That moment proved to however few doubters were left that CM Punk, the average looking straight edge tattooed smartass WRESTLER is BIGGER, BADDER, and BETTER than anyone else in the WWE, TNA, ROH, or anywhere. Last night proved that WRESTLING MATTERS, and where it matters most is in the WWE. So fuck you TNA, you lose.
• I don't care what "era" this is, it's got the right "Attitude", and it's got me hooked again. Sorry honey, Monday night TV belongs to RAW again.
- Mr. Long
PS: I totally did this whole thing from my iPhone. Yep, I'm that hardcore.
The Sus-Rant SD! 7/23/11
For this edition of the Sus-Rant I decided to live blog watching Smackdown...so here are my epic notes from an entertaining if not pedestrian episode of Smackdown
+Christian calling out Randy Orton for being a moron is great.
+smiling Ezekiel Jackson is MEGA lame. But Booker T on mic is always fantastic.
+champion Vs champion to start the show. Reveals how little the E cares about "the world title" --- perfectible acceptable wrestling. So I can't complain too much
+I see now that Michael Cole is fat...and a poor interviewer
+Daniel Bryan announcing his MitB plans is pretty cool. It does set him up to be the first guy to lose his title match.
+Heath Slater is awful on the mic. Daniel Bryan using the frontfacelock as a legit hold makes me smile.
+replaying the Vince is fired angle from Monday is kind of lazy
+the blow off match between Shamus and Wade being on free TV is super annoying. These two should have been allowed to build their match up maybe have a turn or something. Saw the double count out coming a mile away. Really booked themselves into a corner, poor choices and whatnot.
+ Ok so not exactly setting the world on fire here...why would you were tiny pants to a "street fight"?
So why is this street fight mostly in the ring? Oh the Kendo Stick...NEW! INNOVATIVE!
Both men are former world champs, why is this not being discussed?
And I've just seen the openin for the next Botchamania.
Kane no-selling a shattered ankle to hit the big boot and the flying clothesline. Amazing.
Kicking out of the RKO is ballsy! Orton kicking out of the chokeslam makes this match an easy 3.5 stars.
RKO on a chair as the finish. Really good match. Made the show from "meh" to "man I'm glad I watched this."
The Sus-Man
The Sus-Review of RAW 7/18/11
As I sat down to watch Wrestling last I felt a weird sense over taking. It was nearly euphoric. I was actually excited to watch wrestling again. Something I can easily say I havent felt in years. The WWE has been moving in a direction that made me care less and less. That’s not to say I cared much at all to begin with, but with the over saturation of the UFC, I have felt a void in the Combat Sports center of my brain. It was time for something to happen to make me care again.
Enter CM PUNK and his amazing worked-shoot rant about his leaving the WWE with their main title. The internet exploded and I watched his rant on YouTube and said to myself, “Well hot damn something to care about!” This in turn made me watch the episode of SmackDown that followed the rant, and yes even IMPACT or TNA or whatever the hell they want to call themselves these days.
If I can just get off subject for a moment. What the hell is going on with that Orlando based promotion? Joker-Sting is pretty bizarre but having a Heel Stable made up of guys who have nothing in common except that they are heels, that’s just stupid. Pushing D-Von to the moon seems like maybe not a great idea either, but I digress.
So I watched SmackDown, I watched Raw again where PUNK was “reinstated” and I honestly felt annoyed I couldn’t get out of my house to go watch the Money In the Bank pay-per-view. I have to tell you it was one hell of a feeling to realize that I was once again acting like teenager. Somehow this one storyline had washed away the near decade of awful TV. To be frank PUNK even said it best during his “renegotiation episode.” The only thing pro-wrestling had been known for lately were deaths and steroids. But this whole story of “is he leaving or isn’t he?” It just made for some wonderful drama.
Then it happens. And the internet explodes and wrestling fans all over the world are trying to figure out what’s real and what’s staged and no one can really put their finger on what’s what. A very close friend who is always a genius level intelligence once told me that “Now that everyone knows that wrestling is fake thanks to shows like Tough Enough, maybe we should redefine what reality is.” It took years but its finally happened reality is once again up for grabs and the WWE has managed to capture this cynics attention.
Last nights RAW has already been dismissed as “Boring, dull, and nothing compared to the PPV.” Ok, but why is that a bad thing? Did the storyline progress? Did Vince try and reestablish his company’s champion? Doesn’t a one night tournament to crown a champion show how imperative it was that Vince correct his mistake? Was there no drama? Indeed, WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Why does everything have to be the greatest episode ever? I watched the entire show and while some segments were slow and some matches weren’t great, the overall feel of the show was “organized chaos” like the ship was sinking and everyone was just trying to toss the water out as fast as possible. I. LOVED. IT.
Now I just cant wait to see what happens next week on RAW. In the end, getting people like me to care again, isn’t that what they always wanted?
- The Susman
Huge night for BE
This past Saturday night was an eventful evening for Bearsley Enterprises. Of it's four members, three were involved in championship matches, and the one that wasn't, THF Champion Lince Dorado, easily stole the show at BELIEVE XXVII in his match against Jerrelle Clark. Ray Beez, also at BELIEVE successfully defended his SCW Florida Heavyweight Championship over Mike Reed. Leon Scott became the 1st ever Modern Arts Grappling Magnum Champion in a Fatal 4 Way match that also featured former THF Champion QT Marshall at MAG's inaugural event. And in Puerto Rico, Milo Beasley, reprising his old Naphtali persona, unfortunately lost his PWW International Junior Heavyweight Championship to Craig Classic. However, there is a silver lining, as Bearsley is already hard at work securing potential challengers for new champion Classic.
Lost a title, gained a title. BE is still three gold strong. The phrase that immediately comes to mind is, "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."
- Mr. Long
ComicFIST #25
ComicFIST is finally old enough to rent a car. Disregard the fact that this should've happened in 2007.
NEW TEAM HAMMA FIST CHAMPION
Upon signing with Bearsley Enterprises, LLC. (the parent company of Team HAMMA FIST), "Perfect 10" Lince Dorado was awarded the Team HAMMA FIST Championship by Bearsley. Reportedly, Lince was said to be "very excited" about defending the title. *video coming as soon as Milo can get to a computer* - Mr. Long
COMIC #23!!!
Only took me forever.
1. MovieHammer. We Sell Movies. And Hammers. (not in any way affiliated with any movie store franchise that may or may not be owned by a much larger game store franchise)
2. If you don't like Doctor Who, get fucked.
3. Yes I know that The 11th Doctor is carrying around The 10th Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver. If you really care that much, please get fucked some more.
I promise #24 won't take two years.
- Mr. Long