Championship Update
At the behest of the esteemed Champion of the Florida People, the Hamma Fist Championship will henceforth be known as the THF Florida People's Championship, as both I and the current titleholder Simon Sez feel that it most efficiently represents the championship and it's intent.
- Mr. Long
Blugh.
At the behest of the Hamma Fist Champion, YOUR Florida People's Champion, "The Emerald Emperor" Simon Sez would like me to inform you that this past Saturday at Vintage WrestleBrawl III, he regained "his" Internet Television Title, and "destroyed that filthy son of a bitch" Milo Beasley.
Ugh.
At least it was a great fight.
- Mr. Long
Ruiz vs. Hanley from 9/16/11
Here's some footage of THF Champion Luis Ruiz' first title defense against former champion "Handsome" Jason Hanley.
New THF Champion (AGAIN)!
Last night at OPW, Luis Ruiz defeated Uncanny Brandon Scherer in a Lumberjack Match for the Team Hamma Fist Championship! The party was short lived though, as Jason Hanley would go on to win the night's Over The Top Rope Battle Royal Main Event, and with that win giving him the power to book his next match, he decided to get the THF Title rematch that he feels that he deserves.
So at Orlando Wrestling-School's next OPW Event, it will be Jason Hanley vs. Luis Ruiz for the THF Championship!
- Mr. Long
THF Title Update!
It's been a big week for Team HAMMA FIST, and more importantly, the THF Championship. Last week at OPW, we saw "Uncanny" Brandon Scherer defeat then champion "Handsome" Jason Hanley to become the new Team HAMMA FIST Champion! Here's video of the historic match.
The new THF Champ wasted little time in defending the belt, as just one week later, Brandon defended the title at OPW against Luis Ruiz. Here's the footage of that match, courtesy of Orlando Pro Wrestling.
Due to some unscrupulous tactics on the part of the champion, Brandon lost the match via countout, but "The Living Legend" Larry Zbyszko made no bones about how he felt towards The Uncanny One's actions, immediately making a rematch between the two men for the next OPW event on September 9th. To ensure that Scherer wouldn't be pulling the same stunt two weeks in a row, Ledge made next week's THF Title Match a Lumberjack Match! Will Brandon Scherer be Uncanny once more and leave the Believe Dojo with Big Red still in tow, or will The Boricua Badboy dethrone the champ before his title reign even begins to pick up steam?
EXCITING!
- Mr. Long
A new contender emerges for the THF Championship
Upon the public acknowledgement of Jason Hanley's THF Title "victory", "Uncanny" Brandon Scherer sent me this message via Facebook, declaring among other things, claim to part of Big Red's title lineage.
If you allow fat ass Jason Hanley to be declared champ just because Lince Dorado gave the belt to him, then I demand to be put in the title's lineage as a former champion. I wasn't just given the belt by some wrestler. It was presented to me by the match maker and head figure of the belts home promotion. I received the championship moments before you arrived to retrieve it after QT Marshall's vacancy. I am the 4th Team Hamma Fist Champion not Maxwell Chicago. Not only am I a former THF Champ but I will become the first ever 2 time champion when I defeat Jason Sorrow...uhh I mean "Hanley". Without even breaking a sweat I will stand tall over Hanley's lifeless bloated body, raising Big Red to the sky as victory reigns down on the Uncanny one.
Watch out Hanley, 'cause Uncannyman Bran is coming for you, and more importantly, the Team HAMMA FIST Championship.
- Mr. Long
New THF Champion?
According to my sources ('cause lord knows I can't afford the gas money to go anywhere myself), we have a new Team HAMMA FIST Champion in "Handsome" Jason Hanley. Apparently he is now in possession of Big Red, how he defeated Lince Dorado for it is still unknown, but hey, 9/10's of the law and what not.
So Jason Hanley is the new THF Champion. Hooray?
Where's Snow or Leon or Milo when you need them?
- Mr. Long
Mr. Long’s Ongoing RAW Review
• CM Punk is my favorite for all of the times. He and HHH really are great together. Just an amazingly tense segment.
• Diva's match. Paying more attention to my yogurt and what the wife is listening to on her headphones. Too fast to matter what's happening.
• I really love White Collar.
• I had hoped the Diva's Battle Royal ended during the commercial break. Beth Phoenix is scurry. Kelly is wearing less fabric on her than my 15 month old daughter. Nice to see Beth be a heel again though.
• Came back with Miz dancing. I love Miz, dislike Cole sucking him off verbally EVERY second.
• Covert Affairs sucks. White Collar wins.
• Attn: Hollywood. Stop making Final Destinations. Just stop.
• I'd be okay with drinking a slurpee out off The Miz, but not Austin.
• If anyone is actually reading this, please email me at TheRealJesseLong@gmail.com so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time.
• Thank you whoever decided that saying "wrestling" wasn't a bad thing.
• More yogurt. Nom nom nom.
• Shut up Cole.
• John Morrison is too pretty.
• Yo dawg, here come Ultimate Warrior. He loves running.
• The newer Ziggler theme us awesome. Vickie's just ugly. Ugly ugly.
• But not as ugly as Alex Riley's mini-tron.
• Eh, that's good enough. Go Punk, the end.
- Mr. Long
Mr. Long’s “Waiting for an oil change” Review of RAW
I'm stuck at the Tire Kingdom in Oviedo and I have no levels of Angry Birds to play left, so here's some thoughts I have on RAW last night. Presented in BULLETPOINT-VISION!!!!
• Starting the show with the WWE Title match was really nice, but also kinda made it obvious that shit was gonna get real later on. Still, great PPV main event level match got my excited early on, even if it was a Rey Mysterio match.
• Evan Bourne vs. Dolphin Wigglier (thank you autocorrect) was very fine. Bourne is always great. This was extra fun for me because it was the only match my wife (who claims to dislike wrestling, but I catch her watching, YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME WOMAN) cared enough to watch. She has officially dub Bourne "Fishman" because he flops around like a fishy, and Ziggler is now "Bellyflop" due to his awesome corner crash. Dolph's now heavier version of "I Am Perfection" is pretty fun sounding, and helps me forget that he used to be a cheerleader and Chavo's caddy.
• KEITH FUCKING STONE! I just loved that segment. It was dumb and the Bellas are Michael Bay awful on the mic, but the fact that it was an outright BEER COMMERCIAL skit tells me that WWEPG might be going the way of the dodo. RAW needs that, well, "Attitude" again for it be a great flagship, and I smell it burbling up again. It was great to feel like I was watching an 18-34 year old show again. That said...
• That Divas match was TERRUHBULL. Eve's HoSault made me want to vomit, Kelly's buh-face made me curse the day I ever found her attractive, and the Diva Stink Face was just as unnecessary as ever. That shit ain't sexy or smart, and the only way it was powerful was powerful dumb. I'm all for the ladies being hot again, and I could sense some old King on commentary, but not like that. WWE should push AJ Lee, or sign Daffney is they want a hot chick to base the division around.
• Hunter O'Mac gets my thumbs up. I've almost always enjoyed face HHH, he's smartassy, doesn't take shit, and looks like he might still be down to throwdown if the need arises. Very glad to see JR back in the PBP seat. Cole is a great heel, but hearing it every second of every minute can be a little grating. I'm fine with him being Smackdown where I can scrub past parts I don't like on YouTube.
• Cole needs to never wrestle, and needs to wear clothes always. Zack Ryder FINALLY getting acknowledged on RAW makes me full of happy goo, and redeems the segment at least a little. Ryder should face Ziggler for the US Title at SummerSlam. #WWWYKI
• Every time Ricardo Rodriguez is on TV, I feel the need to tell someone, anyone, that he once wrestled as "Jesse Long" (no joke, wiki that shit). Del Rio vs. Kofi wasn't anything amazing, I just enjoyed it. Two great talents that I could putting on a great WWE Title feud a year or so down the road. Kofi is a great RVD for the 2010's, and ADR is the new Eddie for the MMA generation.
• I like Cee-Lo Green. Not enough to drop diaper money on The Great American Slam though.
• Miz should have his own talk show. He just talk good.
• Rey waddled out onto the stage like Ric after a trip to Cheeburger Cheeburger. He just looked sleepy. Clearly that 5 Hour Energy hadn't kicked in yet. Great match between him and Cena, because John Cena is a great WWE-style wrestler, fuck what anyone says. Cena is just one of those guys that can make anyone look good, especially when it's in a main event for all the clams. He's no Ric Flair, but I wager he could at least get a broom to 3 stars.
Oil change is done. More to come later.
EDIT:
Thanks to a Tire Kingdom Fluid Exchange Package, my mom is down $470 dollars and I've got time to finish my ramblings.
• Cena winning The Big Spin is predictable, but excusable because the ensuing feud just wouldn't be nearly as epic with The Booyaka in place of The Rappadoo.
• CM Punk. Just...fucking...wins. You could practically see the crowd eating out of his hands and the entire wrestling world on his shoulders as he walked to down that ramp to the beat of "Cult of Personality". Punk is wrestling right now. He's bigger than Cena, bigger than The Rock, bigger than Austin, Taker, Hogan, Flair, you name it, and he's leapfrogged over them all. He's on top of wrestling Everest right now, and he did all by himself. CM Punk needs no sherpa, just a mic. Hell, last night proved that he doesn't even need a mic. There are few moments in wrestling that are forever. There's Hogan slamming Andre, there's Rock and Hogan staring off before their match at Mania, there's the first time Austin gave Vince the Stunner, to me Eddie winning the title will always be a forever moment, and as of last night, you can add Punk and his WWE Title getting cheered over Cena and his belt to that list. I could watch it a million times, and it would still give me goosebumps. That moment proved to however few doubters were left that CM Punk, the average looking straight edge tattooed smartass WRESTLER is BIGGER, BADDER, and BETTER than anyone else in the WWE, TNA, ROH, or anywhere. Last night proved that WRESTLING MATTERS, and where it matters most is in the WWE. So fuck you TNA, you lose.
• I don't care what "era" this is, it's got the right "Attitude", and it's got me hooked again. Sorry honey, Monday night TV belongs to RAW again.
- Mr. Long
PS: I totally did this whole thing from my iPhone. Yep, I'm that hardcore.