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Mr. Long’s “Waiting for an oil change” Review of RAW

I'm stuck at the Tire Kingdom in Oviedo and I have no levels of Angry Birds to play left, so here's some thoughts I have on RAW last night. Presented in BULLETPOINT-VISION!!!!

• Starting the show with the WWE Title match was really nice, but also kinda made it obvious that shit was gonna get real later on. Still, great PPV main event level match got my excited early on, even if it was a Rey Mysterio match.

• Evan Bourne vs. Dolphin Wigglier (thank you autocorrect) was very fine. Bourne is always great. This was extra fun for me because it was the only match my wife (who claims to dislike wrestling, but I catch her watching, YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME WOMAN) cared enough to watch. She has officially dub Bourne "Fishman" because he flops around like a fishy, and Ziggler is now "Bellyflop" due to his awesome corner crash. Dolph's now heavier version of "I Am Perfection" is pretty fun sounding, and helps me forget that he used to be a cheerleader and Chavo's caddy.

• KEITH FUCKING STONE! I just loved that segment. It was dumb and the Bellas are Michael Bay awful on the mic, but the fact that it was an outright BEER COMMERCIAL skit tells me that WWEPG might be going the way of the dodo. RAW needs that, well, "Attitude" again for it be a great flagship, and I smell it burbling up again. It was great to feel like I was watching an 18-34 year old show again. That said...

• That Divas match was TERRUHBULL. Eve's HoSault made me want to vomit, Kelly's buh-face made me curse the day I ever found her attractive, and the Diva Stink Face was just as unnecessary as ever. That shit ain't sexy or smart, and the only way it was powerful was powerful dumb. I'm all for the ladies being hot again, and I could sense some old King on commentary, but not like that. WWE should push AJ Lee, or sign Daffney is they want a hot chick to base the division around.

• Hunter O'Mac gets my thumbs up. I've almost always enjoyed face HHH, he's smartassy, doesn't take shit, and looks like he might still be down to throwdown if the need arises. Very glad to see JR back in the PBP seat. Cole is a great heel, but hearing it every second of every minute can be a little grating. I'm fine with him being Smackdown where I can scrub past parts I don't like on YouTube.

• Cole needs to never wrestle, and needs to wear clothes always. Zack Ryder FINALLY getting acknowledged on RAW makes me full of happy goo, and redeems the segment at least a little. Ryder should face Ziggler for the US Title at SummerSlam. #WWWYKI

• Every time Ricardo Rodriguez is on TV, I feel the need to tell someone, anyone, that he once wrestled as "Jesse Long" (no joke, wiki that shit). Del Rio vs. Kofi wasn't anything amazing, I just enjoyed it. Two great talents that I could putting on a great WWE Title feud a year or so down the road. Kofi is a great RVD for the 2010's, and ADR is the new Eddie for the MMA generation.

• I like Cee-Lo Green. Not enough to drop diaper money on The Great American Slam though.

• Miz should have his own talk show. He just talk good.

• Rey waddled out onto the stage like Ric after a trip to Cheeburger Cheeburger. He just looked sleepy. Clearly that 5 Hour Energy hadn't kicked in yet. Great match between him and Cena, because John Cena is a great WWE-style wrestler, fuck what anyone says. Cena is just one of those guys that can make anyone look good, especially when it's in a main event for all the clams. He's no Ric Flair, but I wager he could at least get a broom to 3 stars.

Oil change is done. More to come later.

EDIT:

Thanks to a Tire Kingdom Fluid Exchange Package, my mom is down $470 dollars and I've got time to finish my ramblings.

• Cena winning The Big Spin is predictable, but excusable because the ensuing feud just wouldn't be nearly as epic with The Booyaka in place of The Rappadoo.

• CM Punk. Just...fucking...wins. You could practically see the crowd eating out of his hands and the entire wrestling world on his shoulders as he walked to down that ramp to the beat of "Cult of Personality". Punk is wrestling right now. He's bigger than Cena, bigger than The Rock, bigger than Austin, Taker, Hogan, Flair, you name it, and he's leapfrogged over them all. He's on top of wrestling Everest right now, and he did all by himself. CM Punk needs no sherpa, just a mic. Hell, last night proved that he doesn't even need a mic. There are few moments in wrestling that are forever. There's Hogan slamming Andre, there's Rock and Hogan staring off before their match at Mania, there's the first time Austin gave Vince the Stunner, to me Eddie winning the title will always be a forever moment, and as of last night, you can add Punk and his WWE Title getting cheered over Cena and his belt to that list. I could watch it a million times, and it would still give me goosebumps. That moment proved to however few doubters were left that CM Punk, the average looking straight edge tattooed smartass WRESTLER is BIGGER, BADDER, and BETTER than anyone else in the WWE, TNA, ROH, or anywhere. Last night proved that WRESTLING MATTERS, and where it matters most is in the WWE. So fuck you TNA, you lose.

• I don't care what "era" this is, it's got the right "Attitude", and it's got me hooked again. Sorry honey, Monday night TV belongs to RAW again.

- Mr. Long

PS: I totally did this whole thing from my iPhone. Yep, I'm that hardcore.